Existence
by lilac.crayon
Summary: This the first time I'm postiong on FF. Try not to flame me? But please do give constructive comments. It's a one-shot, by the way.


Grandma used to say, "Without bitterness, sweetness would be non-existent." Her motive was for me to learn to cherish. As a youth, a rebellious assassin, there were more appealing things for me to learn. Who would care about cherishing? Isn't that what toddlers are supposed to learn instead?

But I was wrong. Without a torturing taste of bitterness spreading through your tongue, would you experience the little jiggle your tongue does when sweetness is tasted? Yes, I have to agree, this adage is true, and I have also found out that actually, without knowing death, living isn't living. People would shake their heads and exclaim that I am brainless, but I am not. Of course, I do know that life does not come from death; in fact, the reason why I say that is because I found the true meaning of life from death.

My father died young, even before I was born. An experienced bishop he was, but was callously killed by a Horned Tail he disturbed unintentionally. I would picture him hugging me each night before I slept, when I was younger. It was only a short, blissful moment I wanted to enjoy, but dreams of him dying would always pervade my mind when I have fallen asleep, as if to supply the agony strength to continue stabbing my already hollow heart. How could the Lord be so unfeeling to me? I was already born an unloved child. For the sake of her future, her dreams of becoming a renowned marksman, Mother thrust me under the care of Grandma when I was a mere toddler. No one would understand the yearning for a parent's love as much as I did, it was simply too unfathomable.

Grandma gave me high expectations and wanted me to follow the footsteps of her son, but what could I be? A holy priest?! I had no one, nothing at all, to guide me. Under the influence of an acquaintance, I quitted the magicians' school and enrolled in an enigmatic thieves' school. Grandma seemed hurt but I didn't bother to care, for all I knew was that she just wanted me to mend the corner of her heart where my father tore away when he died. She wanted me to replace him. It was selfish, I thought; and so, we grew further and further apart. Sometimes, I just couldn't stand the sight of her. She was a hindrance to my future; whenever I was practicing at Kerning, she would bring loads of red bean sundae to boost my strength. It was kind of her to do so, I knew, but it was like she was trying to spy on me. I didn't like that.

My hatred for Grandma grew, I never knew that I love her, even though people hate because they had once loved deeply, until the day that I was soon to become a hermit. It was a lovely day, or so I thought, the beautiful azure sky, the ever-so cuddly clouds, and even the sun seemed to reach out its loving arms to embrace me. Perhaps it was just an illusion, caused by the saturation of the happiness in me. It was the day I had trained so hard for. I was already on my way to the Dark Lord, when the tragic news of Grandma struggling to survive in Niora hospital reached me. I didn't know why, but it was as if someone had slashed open my so mercilessly and left a gaping wound behind.

Somewhat delusive, I reached the hospital. I peered into her ward. It was a heartrending sight, and I walked in. I knelt down beside her cold, hard bed. She smiled, but it hurt me badly.

"Please…don't. Don't be a hermit, don't live in a life of darkness. Don't. I know you're doing that out of revenge towards your mother because you felt that she didn't love you…but…I do…I really do. Please, life is short, don't do that to yourself because in this world, most people exist, they don't live but I want you to live your life and not live just because you are not dead yet. You're just living for the sake of living, it's wasting your life. Do what you deem right, okay?" She fought hard to say. It had always been my dream to become a hermit, but somehow, I felt my head nodding. Tears flowed uncontrollably, an unstoppable tide, from both our eyes. That was her last moments. Though I was drowning in a torrent of misery, I found the strength to survive it.

Grandma's departure saved me from living a life without meaning, a life that is so hollow. Now, I know, to live a life is to not about staying on this world till you get all wrinkled; it's about seeking the true meaning of your existence in this world.


End file.
